i have tried to stay away from journals like this due to episodes in the past, but i figure i am mature enough to post about my wishes and personal life without those who read these jumping conclusions and making an ass of me and themselves. that is to say those people are no longer on here, but to heir on the side of caution is good. (yeah i know that statement may have the wrong word in it, but i like what that means too)

well my first thought is that according to main calendar and some other people 1012 is the end of human life as we know it. i do not know or think anything of this other than after all these centuries something better happen; if that means i have to go in the backyard and low up a trashcan.

on another note; what have i thought of this year? personally? its been a year, lots of changes, but i wouldn't change anything. even if i could there would be too many factors to play into it that i would not want to try (change of time and space and all....)

as a whole? always issues have arisen that had been there the whole time, only to be covered up and avoided. that goes for my personal life as well as that of humanity.

what do i expect of 2010?

nothing. take it as it comes and go with the flow. i find planning anything or expecting anything from anyone but myself is a ruse. so i will live via myself as long as i can, and ask for help when desperate. only then do the people who seem to truly care come out of the woodwork.

so then. personally i hope to find a resolution to my current living situation. i hope to find more dates if the one i have now does not pan out; as i feel it has. that is ok, it's nice to know that there are people out there for me, and that i learned more about human emotion. for example: with deep lust, the need to say 'i love you' builds up to the point of almost bursting. although, i can at least know that it is indeed lust and not love, if it ever does turn to love i will be happy. for it truly is better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all.

now, personal highlights of this year: SS came through, got two pet rats, read a lot of wonderful books, finished two journals, spent a lot of quality time with parents, and found lust. Star Trek is my new saving grace- again. that is to say, my love was reignited.

worldly highlights? a whole lot of nothing. oh btw, Michael's dead, get over it. he was not a great person in life, his family all hated each other and his music and money was his only saving grace... which killed him. and Paul can shove his money up his ass (which he does i bet). Hmm politics took the turn i said it would, its like saying the stock market is unpredictable... if i had the money i would play it.

hmmm... what else... oh yeah new years resolutions: buy and play ST online till i drop. get a larger tank for my rats. find internal and external peace that isn't harmful. make my stillsuit for the Dune release.

happy-un-happy new years/eve.

isnt next 'singles awareness day?' (aka Valentine's Day)

written by James Gunn based on the story by Theodore Sturgeon.

this is #80 in the series and was great towards the middle and end.

as you can guess- like more than a few of the episodes- the Enterprise runs into a Machine designed by man to bring about a perfect way of life. This time it is on the vacation planet Tishmel; well known for there peaceful curious and philosophical way of life. the enterprise is sent there after the planet has refused to let people land, and the two federation members who had, only responded once. one of them had been (of course) the long time love of Kirk's -Dannie-, and one of his best friends is from there.

i swear this man made love to the Blarney Stone, had babies with it, and then killed them so no one could be as suave is him.

that goes for kirks character as well as Shatner himself.

the laps at the end of the book where the main crew (Uhura, McCoy, Spock and Kirk) try to convince the machine, was insanely lacking but made of beautifully by the sudden sentient mind of the Enterprise female computer. which in my head had Scotty humping the metal and plastic walls.

the second part was that Spock fell victim to the reaction of the machine which is pure Joy. it is never talked about other than Spock going "um yeah i like it... the world was pure logic" (which has been shown to him on too many occasions for me to count now... be it comic, book or any series.). i think i may write a fic that shows what joy he really sees, but we will see.

i also had this funny image of the Wampus (the most intelligent wale like creature in the known universe) against the Joy Machine... with Spock and the Ref.

i may want to try a hand at drawing that as well...

its not the best ST book i have read yet, but i liked how it made me think despite the massive loopholes.

__________________________

my mom and dad come together to get me a Kindle! one of those awesome PDA like things for books! its beautiful... and damnit if i cant help but think how much is acts like a ST PADD!

the HUGE MASSIVE books i have been lugging around are now on my lovely little PADD!!! oh i am so happy... between the George Harrison overload and the Kindle i was in tears.

my mom and stepdad also took me on a sleigh ride on christmas! it was sooo very Campy but i loved it! it was out in the woods of Colorado, with a small cabin, homemade food and a country singer. are only table seemed to be the one having fun despite the 'beard' who was upset her two bffls were macking in front of everyone.

dude is you are the handbag or beard... you should know. obviously she was not the hag they thought she was- i thought they were cute as hell.

everyone else had a large know-it-all stick up there ass. the server even brought us more free peppermint shnops... mmmmmmmmm i was so toasty.

despite the lax of the vacation it is one of my top five, next to my Very Hairy X-mas a few years ago- filled with Harry Potter love.

this one was books, and family, and star trek!

my roommate and her mom made me a Science Officer Blue and silver Blanket by hand then went to my dads to give him food... seriously awesome.

________________

more reading than i can list now that i have the Kindle, the only for sure thing is War and Peace is almost done.

its so hard for me to care for it now... so hard... damn you Tolstoy.

as was agreed between the group of us, the movie was not one of the best but in comparison to what they have been pooping out it is awesome.

i am so happy that the 2D studio is back up! not knocking anyone in the other departments, because lord knows i could never do anything like what i watch- but to know that people are sitting there and drawing it all... to see the artists that i do here, who are brilliant at the 2D style and know that they can have that chance to be published of work on something like this makes me so happy. those artists have talent and by god the world should see it.

i loved Ray and Mama Odie's snake! i want a snake as cute as him! and i think they are cute anyway. Louis was also a brilliant character

i loved the songs, i do wish they were a bit longer though... like the bluegrass one that the fireflies sing- i love bluegrass and was so happy to hear it in a major film that more people get to hear!

i do wish to see this again though to get a real solid feel for it, we were laughing so hard at some of the jokes we were making during that i lost some of the emotion in it, though i did tear up at Ray and Angeline and when he died...

"let me get a sharp stick" is the most memorable line to me

__________________________

on another note:

i need to stop watching ghost shows by myself, especially when they involve animals and graves. Paranormal State's new ep has me in a tift over the action of some humans towards other lives.

especially having grown up in a hometown where animal torture on a 'ritualistic' level was a commonplace occurrence.

when animals are not allowed to be adopted in October you know there is an issue.

________________________

its been hard to finish this last chunk of War and Peace because one of my fave chars has died, and the other is acting dumber than he had before. at least there was reason to his actions before.

so i really feel i have no need to continue- although i am almost two hundred pages from being done.

i will do my best.

written by John Vornholt

Teska is Spock's niece who was raise don Earth by another Uncle when her parents died. Sarek, the Uncle and Spock had agreed with several other Romulans that to prove they were both descendants of the same, a koon-ut-la was needed- which is an arrangement of two young children to be mind-melded by a high priestess to assure there is a more definite match for a couple when Pon-far (blood lust a Vulcan goes through every seven years) starts. if there is no match, Plak-tow can set is which is the high degradation of Vulcan cells, exceeding violent behavior to kill and last the death of said Vulcan.

so Teska was to be brought to Vulcan to meet her husband to be- from Romulus; only to run into Murphy's Law only like the Star Trek cast can.

wow... how sad was it that my description of the hormonal imbalance of the Vulcan Race was more detailed than the one about this book? *laughs* oh well.

this was a wonderful book on the basis that i got to see the aspect of a Vulcan raised on a more emotional planet and situation than intended. to see how even through cultural differences growing up and influences thus- a Vulcan is a Vulcan is a Vulcan.

which for my own curiosity i have wanted to know for some time.

__________________

i have also wanted a rat for a while and went to the store recently to start buying things for one. i fell in love with the baby female white rat with red eyes. when i went home and was reading the book the name Teska for the rat kept popping into my head, and so she has been named Teska Snowflake (the petco sales rep called her that) Brereton

she was so scared when i brought her home... she loves the fleece plaid scarf i gave her to nuzzle in and yelled at me when i moved it closer to her log home thing. she is inquisitive but still not sure what to think of me. i hope she likes me and she wont be so afraid of being held

__________________

next is another chunk of War and Peace fallowed by The Zonpower Discover and then Star Trek: The Idic Epidemic

A New Approach to Psychiatry by William Glasser, M.D.

published in '65 edited in '75. lent to me by my good friend

this was an interesting look (and gave me hope) for the future of Psychiatry and Therapy.

Dr. Glasser's outlook is that everyone should be held accountable and responsible for there actions and in understanding this most neurosis will go away.

that instead of repeatedly delving into the past and pointing out the problem, that the person should be forced to look at the now and the future. what they are doing now and what they want to do.

that the idea a person can be diagnosed with one mental condition with a specific definition and 'cured' or inhibited by a set of rules set for the diagnosis is superficial and only makes things worse. the patient then continues to act out with the excuse that they have a problem that is not there issue and cannot be fixed. he does admit on some extreme cases medication is needed but on a generic level no.

these things i greatly agree with. i have been to all forms of psychotherapy and have only left feeling that i am more pathetic than i had been before, and now had a good excuse. though i have made it clear to all i have talked to that i refuse to take meds on the basis i do not need them and have seen the wrong they can cause.

the last time i saw a profesional was more or less to get another point of view on the things i had been looking into. turns out i knew more than her... even her boss who wanted to write down in record the things i had found documented conclusions on and how i was personally able to turn the boat around.

not saying i am crazy; i cause no harm to myself and others. i do believe that things can be dealt with when the person in question comes to a conclusion about what they want to do with there own future. personally, when i was confronted by the possibility that my needs may harm my manor of living i found ways to understand it wholly and move on with my life.

the one thing that pisses me off more than anything about psychiatry and ALL related is that despite the field growing to be more personable to the patients and understanding that all are individuals... they still want people to fit into this perfect knit form of life. that all should be the same all the way around.

as i stated before i think it should only be dealt with when the person causes harm to themselves or others.

then again. some people use taboo to cause trauma, havoc and stand out. which in itself is a lie and harmful to all involved. in saying this it seems that some still think of all taboo is a sign of irresponsibility and the person delving into the life of the other should look closer before deeming it an issue...

this book was a great read as far as how to handle people in there life who are deviant or such. this goes for children, adults, parenting and working with the mentally insane.

ok im done ranting.

________________________

next Mind Meld

then a chunk of War and Peace; im almost done!! after two years!